5 Barriers to Intimate Connection ( and how to dissolve them)

Intimate connection is sweet. It makes all the drudgery of life seem like a small price to pay for this existence. This experience is available to everyone but we often keep ourselves closed off from the very connection we are seeking. Below are 5 barriers that keep us from connecting deeply with ourselves, our people, and the universe. 

#1 FEAR

This sounds so obvious. Of course fear gets in the way of intimate connection, fear keeps us from all sorts of wonderful opportunities. And, that’s true. But fear is sneaky. Fear wears so many disguises. When fear is a barrier to connection it is usually disguised so well you don’t recognize it. In healthy relationships, we aren’t afraid of our partners, but fear can still keep us from connecting with them. Fear they will leave us, fear they don’t love us, fear we don’t make them happy, fear they aren’t happy. Those seem pretty common, right? But you have to keep digging. What about the fear that we aren’t happy? That one can hide under all sorts of covers. In order to be vulnerable enough to have an intimate connection, we need to understand what our vulnerabilities are and that involves investigating fear. It involves looking for the fear that is hiding in plain sight and the fears that we are so comfortable with we aren’t even aware they are there. 

#2 Resentment/Competition 

Resentment and competition are like metaphorical twins: the same and different. The term “friendly competition” may be common but its execution is not. If you are in a relationship with yourself or someone else and you are keeping tabs on “winners," you are probably breeding resentment. You may even be breeding resentment for yourself. Competition is comparison. We just can’t compare contributions in a relationship and have it come out “fair”. That does not mean it isn’t just.  In order to decide if contributions are just we need to listen to our emotions but not act upon them. “ I see I am irritated my spouse didn’t do the dishes”. We can watch this emotion play out and see where it goes. If we take action on the aggravation we cut off an opportunity to learn where it was really coming from and where it was really going. Most likely, that aggravation comes from a disguised fear. 

#3 Punishment Mindset

Punishment is prevalent in our culture. We hand out punishment with tone of voice, body language, and bitter words. We often don’t even notice or really mean it. A little huff when our child asks for something after we have put it away, a raised eyebrow when a colleague makes too much noise at a meeting, a cold shoulder when someone comes to bed too late. Why do we do these things? Punishment is not ours to pass out. It is a lot of work and our nervous system picks up on it. You do not need to let hurts go, you do not need to fulfill every request but we also do need to address these things directly and with kindness. Punishment happens naturally in this world. There are natural consequences for everything, and sometimes the natural consequence for someone else will be that you are angry. That’s okay, just make sure that you aren’t handing out little punishments all day long without awareness. Most of us are. 

#4 Unrecognized Gratitude

We are grateful for another sunrise with our families. Sometimes we forget to recognize the little things that are really big. Just because they happen everyday and are common occurrences doesn’t make them a given. Maybe that is why it is so hard to express gratitude for the breath in our lungs and the fact we all made it home at the end of the day. Maybe when we express that gratitude we entertain the possibility it is fragile. It is. Accepting that truth makes it okay to take a little longer putting on a child’s shoe. It makes every moment a gift. That doesn’t mean we have to love every minute of every day, but it does make it easier to find the magic we might otherwise miss. 

#5 Refusing Permission 

You are allowed to enjoy this life. You are allowed to enjoy your body. You are allowed to enjoy your partner. You are allowed to revel in your children. You are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to be intimate with this life and find all the juicy fruit within your existence. Only you have the power to give yourself this permission, don’t refuse it. 

The BEST way to connect with your intuition

Maybe you are pretty comfortable with intuition or maybe you would like to live more intuitively. Either way, the question still comes up: How do I know if it is intuition or something else? This is a good question! It means you are practicing self-inquiry. It is not self-doubt, but a real deep and honest question. What is the best way to connect with your intuition and answer this question? Living intuitively sounds pretty easy, but it is not. It sounds pretty glamorous too, and it’s not. I’m going to tell you the best way to connect with your intuition but I don’t want you to roll your eyes and stop listening. Stick with me, and I will explain. The best way to connect with your intuition is practice. Boring, right? Actually, this is where living intuitively gets exciting and adventurous and fun. Living intuitively is not straightforward, and it is not doing whatever you want. It often is doing what you DON’T want. But, once you have committed to this practice you start to see the magic of connection between yourself and the whole universe. 

I will illustrate with a story from my own practice:

This week an opportunity arose that seemed like it was a good thing. This opportunity met all my requirements, it fit my schedule, and it fulfilled a need. I was excited about this opportunity at first, and even pursued it. But, as I started to accept the possibility of this opportunity becoming reality, I started to resist. I really, really started to resist. This did not feel right. But, it was a good thing and I should do it. AND it fulfilled those needs, remember. I needed this, didn’t I? And that’s when something spoke up to me. I remembered, because I practice intuition and self inquiry that I do not and have not ever resisted something that needed doing. My pattern is to wholeheartedly and excitedly approach any task which needs doing, no matter how hard and no matter how painful. I do not skirt discomfort and I turn it into something palatable. But, I was not doing that here. Why not? Why was I resisting this so hard? I mean, I was like actually walking around crying about this opportunity that days before I had chased. What was up? 

My intuition was telling me I should not do this and my practical self was saying I should. The thing about intuition is we can’t only listen when it feels good. I know it sounds like here it felt bad, but what actually felt really scary was turning down this opportunity without knowing what would come ( if anything) next. My intuition was telling me to wait and say no, but that was really uncomfortable. I wanted to say yes ( and fill up those needs) and I wanted to tell myself that my bad feelings were make believe. AND, I could have. BUT, I chose not to. I decided that I have had a lot of practice listening to my intuition and even though this was a really big thing, I needed to trust my inner voice over my head here. So I did. I called and turned down the opportunity. I shut that door. Immediately, the anxious concerns coming from my intuition calmed. I was happy. I was happy I had turned down this chance and opened up room for others. I was happy despite having lots of unanswered questions and lots of needs that needed meeting. Throughout the rest of my evening I felt only relief that I had closed that door. That night, I slept all through the night for the first time in weeks. My inner voice was at rest, she didn’t wake me up in the middle of the night. And because I have practiced living this way, I know that means everything is okay. Without practice, I couldn’t trust. That’s what trust is, it is experience built upon by experience that provides a sense of truth. 

Luckily, living a mindful life is a very custom educational plan. Each step on your journey leads to the next. Your intuition is never going to ask too much of you, and your mindfulness practice and self-inquiry is never going to be more than you are able to handle. Each little jewel we find along the way helps us on the next deeper, steeper part of the path to enlightenment. Each step deeper within ourselves connects us more deeply with all there is. The only way up is down, the only way out is through. The only way to know is to take up the practice. The best way to deepen your intuition is to get intimate with yourself. 

WINTER Energy Balance

Last night we had a wonderful Remote Wellness Circle with some of the SHINE members. It was so special to get to meet face to face and in real time! I can’t wait to do it again. One concept that we discussed was the issue of winter energy balance and how we can approach, protect, and encourage awareness of energy in this quieter/darker season.

Our discussion mainly focused around how winter is Kapha season, and Kapha also is representative of Earth and the 1st Chakra. Both Chakras and Doshas can be thrown out of balance in either direction. We often think of blockages and energy as being "too much" in one direction. But here we talked about how both too little or too much energy would be out of balance for both Kapha and the 1st chakra. 
In winter, we have a tendency to do too little or too much and we are more sensitive to this especially if we have a Kapha Dosha and if we are in Motherhood ( a Kapha season of life, especially with young children). 
When we look at our winter energy levels and our activity, we should keep in mind that what is restful or active in winter is different than in summer. 

                         REST                               ACTIVE

WINTER         snuggling, reading,               Walks in the woods
                    baking, drawing, dreaming,   Skiing, Skating, 
                       knitting, "no plans"                 small diner parties

SUMMER       Paddling, boating, swiming         Planning/ hosting big party
                      finishing, photography, hiking    trips to new  places
                       gardening                                 late nights out, concerts, dances,
                                                                  festivals, fairs
                                                                     
                                                                         

Notice, it is not that winter is not active, but the energy of these activities is quieter. In summer, that same energy is what we look for in rest and our activities are louder and more social, more complex. 

In general, I think it is best to turn to these concepts when you feel an imbalance. Look things over, know what resources are available, and keep them tucked away. It is easier to recognize the patterns when they are placed in the relevant context of your life. 

How can practicing compassionate communication benefit your mindfulness practice?

I had an argument with a loved one, many years ago. It was a big argument. Not the little aggravating kind but the kind where no one is proud of their behavior afterward. I had been a student of yoga and mindfulness for a long time by then and I knew that I needed to take responsibility for my actions and my role in the relationship. I wanted a relationship with this person, I loved this person. I needed to invest somehow in the connection we shared. But, how? We didn’t get along well. We didn’t share many interests. What did I even want our relationship to look like? Not this, that’s all I knew. 

I started doing some research into communication and found a book that changed my life and my mindfulness practice. The book, by Andrew Newberg, M.D. and Mark Robert Waldman is called Words Can Change Your Brain and it is one of my top 5 most recommended mindfulness reads.

The first clarifying point the authors make is that the words we use matter from a neuroscientific perspective. Compassionate Communication is so named because it activates calm feelings. When we use certain words, even if they are to clarify what we don’t mean, they can point our brains in the wrong direction. This, in turn, gets our brain to start activating our sympathetic nervous system responses. We will probably not notice but this will affect our ability to communicate. 

So, how can practicing compassionate communication help you? How can this practice benefit your mindfulness practice? The practice of compassionate communication is like mindfulness practice for language. Language connects our inner and outer worlds, even when we are just talking to ourselves. When we practice observing our minds and bodies during communication ( which is the majority of our existence!), we learn there are a lot of ways our mind has been getting in the way of our objectives. 

What did I learn about my relationship with my loved one and our communication? Well, for starters, some of the bad things I was feeling when we talked were because of my own behaviors. I noticed I was searching for approval in every conversation. I was trying to control every conversation to make sure I looked good. WOW, it was a lot of work. My brain was racing ahead in the conversations and so my body started to race to keep up. I wasn’t listening deeply; I was listening in search of the approval which my Ego thought would be satisfying. I also learned this is really common. Without practice, most of us have tons of conversational barriers. Our Ego tries to control every interaction we have in the world. 

Learning to practice compassionate communication didn’t just help this one relationship, it also helped every relationship I have, including the one I have with myself. The practice of compassionate communication forced me to get to know myself more deeply and once I did. I could use that to ground myself. When my Ego tried to confuse the situation, I had tools to help me clarify and control my mind, brain, and body response. More than any other practice, learning these tools enhanced my ability to be mindful. Our ability to define our situation aides our ability to stay in the moment. The more general the terms, the bigger blanket we throw over a problem.

How can practicing Compassionate Communication help you?

• learn to notice your barriers to connection and deeper understanding

• identify your deepest values and learn to use them as anchors in conversation

• Improve your ability to hear deeply

• improve your relationships

• remove stress and anxiety from daily interactions

• clarify and define your thoughts ( which aide mindfulness)

• express yourself more clearly

• increase your chances of being heard by others

• know yourself better

• find your shadow ( places that need deep inner work)

• accept when you will not be understood, and understand why

• understand the neuroscience behind language and how conversations are affected by the nervous system

Words are powerful. They can change your brain, they can change your body, they can change your relationships, and they can change your perspective. They can change the moment. Practicing how you use them can change your life. 

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